In valley's and on mountain tops

I realize it's been a while since I've written...about 3 1/2 weeks to be precise.

And I know I should post some pictures- I'll get to that.

But today I am writing because my heart feels full...not burdened per say, just full.

Full of thankfulness, full of blessings, full of sadness.

I was just rocking Harper and putting her down for a nap in the same way I put Mason down. With hymns.

I love hymns and there is no better way for me to lull my babies to sleep and share a few moments with my Savior.

Mason was walking into his room as I sang to her so I beckoned him to come join me.

And there we were: my almost 4 year in one arm and my newborn in another both covered in baby blankets and snuggled up to me as tightly as possible.

And the tears filled my eyes not because I was so overwhelmed with joy to get to experience them, but because of the experience I could share with them. The hymns sharing a Savior's love. The words of wisdom on surviving heart ache and pain. The words of joy about Heaven.

And open up the flood gates because out it poured.

The pain I feel for my old friend Angie who, despite probably never having a lick of nicotine in her life, was just diagnosed with tongue cancer.

The sorrow I feel for my friend Charity who gave 2 babies over to the Lord this year, one just a few days shy of her due date.

The fact that I never really believed I would meet Harper until I heard her little cry in the delivery room.

The feeling of loss and desperation for all the people I have recently been blessed to talk to because they too have lost a baby.

The joy of having 2 kids and the multitude of smiles they put on my face throughout the day.

The joy of getting to share my pregnancy with my sister and my sister-in-law, knowing our kids will get to grow up so close with their cousins.

The overwhelming thrill of knowing God knows me, in and out, and loves me despite that and I get to have an eternity with Him.

The everyday blessings I experience that I forget to give God glory for.

There is a song by Mercy Me that I have come to love called "Word of God Speak".
The chorus says:

Word of God speak
Would you pour down like rain
Washing my eyes to see
Your majesty
To be still and know that You're in this place
Please let me stay and rest
In your holiness.
Word of God speak.

I love that song because of the line "You're in this place...Please let me stay and rest in your holiness". At first I thought it meant a physical place, like church or what have you.

But instead, it's this place that my heart is at (yes teachers, I just ended a sentence with a preposition). Whether I'm fighting through a valley or soaring on a mountain top, he's there. And he meets me there and just let's me rest on him.

This year I have adopted the theme for my life "Resting in His Holiness". Not struggling through my sorrows or trudging and mourning my plight, or full out forgetting to give him credit when I'm on that mountain peak. But rather just resting and knowing God is there and I can enjoy his holy presence.

All that from a few minutes in a rocking chair. Imagine what insights I will glean from nighttime feedings!

Reaching out

A dear friend of mine, Karen, has a sister who is going through a very tough trial. On February 25th, she will deliver a baby with Trisomy-18. She may get to enjoy her baby for only hours or possibly weeks.

They have a blog following the progress of their precious baby, Reagan Joy. I feel like it's so easy to be burdened with my issues that I forget that there is a completely different realm of pain out there. They will need to be covered in prayer over the next days, weeks, and months.

Under the title of their blog, Mar has posted 1 Samuel 1:27-29:

I prayed for this child, and the Lord has granted me what I asked of Him. So now I give her to the Lord. For her whole life she will be given over to the Lord.

Please remember them in prayer!

A Tribute

My Grampy died today.

10 days ago, he began his 96th year on Earth.

And today, he began eternity in Glory.

We kids have always had a special relationship with our grandparents.

We are the only grandkids on that side and we grew up only 45 minutes from them.

They have a massive amount of land complete with acres of forest, a well we used to climb in, a chicken coop, a raspberry patch, and a motor home, among many other things 3 kids could kill time doing.

My brother could get away with anything when it came to Grampy- he was the apple of his eye. And visa versa- most people wouldn't get away calling him Jeffy into his 30's.

We took countless trips with them to different beaches, campgrounds, Cape Cod, Yellowstone, Grand Canyon, and many more.

They were always such a significant part of our lives even as we grew up and moved away.

Gramps always had really funny phrases that no one else would use. Phrases like "By jingles" and "oh my achin' G.I. back".

I can always picture him with a piece of toilet paper stuck to his chin after cutting himself shaving.

I am truly blessed to have had the experiences I did with him. He was a man who passionately loved God.

I will always remember his off key voice singing his heart out to hymns. Or his every day reading from "Our Daily Bread".

Every morning Grammy would set out our breakfast and he and I would eat Eggo's with raspberries and Grape Nuts.

Or sometimes I climb in bed with him and we'd eat and then dig through his nightstand. I'm sure you all have Grandpa's with fun nightstands.

There were flashlights galore, batteries that didn't work, 5 sets of headphones, a massager from the 60's that felt like it was going to shake your brain out, and several issues of Reader's Digest and National Geographic.

My mom says that all my sassiness and stubbornness came straight from him.

He will be missed. He was a wonderful man.

But after 96 years on earth, he was ready to go Home.

It's the wonderful memories that he created that will always keep him with me.

And they will be with me until that glorious day when we meet again.

I am at a loss for words...

Before another day goes by and another blog is written, I just wanted to pause and say "thank you."

From the bottom of my heart, thank you for everything.

There aren't any words to express to you all how much your love and prayers have meant to me over the past few weeks.

From emails, to cards, to meals, to texts, to taking Mason, to offers to take Mason, to flowers, and so much more, I am overwhelmed by the love I (and we as a family) have received.

I have heard from people I haven't heard from in years, people I barely know but through blogs, and from people I don't even know.

Truly, I am overwhelmed. I have never been more awed at the Kingdom of God's people than I am now.

For days I avoided the computer, shutting myself in my own world so I didn't have to see emails or blogs. I felt so sorry for myself that I couldn't be bothered with those that were happy. But then one night Robin told me both she and Joel blogged on it and the response was amazing.

I balled my eyes out.

I still do.

Every time I read the pain that Robin shared with me and the response from those that love us or how Joel wrote about his own experiences and the shock of it all I am moved to tears.

Am I still deeply sad? Yes.

Do I still think about it all the time? Absolutely.

Am I angry and feeling hopeless? No.

Because I believe in the Creator whose love for me is infinitely precious, who knows every tear I've cried, who cares about even a sparrow, and who provides me with sufficient moment-by-moment grace.

I never thought I would be the person going through any of this and am truly learning what it means to say:

"You give and take away;
my heart will choose to say, Lord blessed be your name."

I pray that throughout this trial, in some way, shape or form, God will use me in his Kingdom.

Joel was right- we are at Round 3, fight and we are ready to do just that. We are not ready to give up on this family and I believe that God hasn't finished it yet, whatever that may look like.

One of the things that galls me the most in Mason is his incredible strong will. But I know he takes that from me, and for the moment, I am thankful that I have that. Because I won't give up until we have exhausted all the tests and answers we can.

We're currently waiting on results from some genetic tests as well as tests on the way my blood clots, which looks like it could be a possibility. We appreciate your prayers for patience and wisdom while we wait. It'll probably be another week before the results start coming back.

Again, thank you, so much for everything although those words do no justice to the ways you have touched our hearts.

Wait

I have been nothing short of horrible keeping up with the blog in the past few months. I have missed writing it but I have take some time out for me and my soul and haven't been able to throw a whole lot into anything else.

As a lot of you know, we had a miscarriage in May followed by another one in July. God has really been laying some things on my heart and I'm mentally planning to write on the things he's taught me, very shortly here. But for now, I am going to prep you with this poem. My sweet sister found this for me and it has been near and dear to my heart every day. I hope it touches you if you are struggling and learning to wait on God.

Wait
by Russell Kelfer

Desperately, helplessly, longingly, I cried;
Quietly, patiently, lovingly, God replied.
I pled and I wept for a clue to my fate...
and the Master so gently said,"Wait."

"Wait? you say wait?" my indignant reply.
"Lord, I need answers, I need to know why!
Is your hand shortened? Or have you not heard?
By faith I have asked, and I'm claiming your Word.

My future and all to which I relate
hangs in the balance and you tell me to Wait?
I'm needing a 'yes', a go-ahead sign.
Or even a 'no,' to which I'll resign.

You promised, dear Lord, that if we believe,
We need but to ask, and we shall receive.
Lord, I've been asking, and this is my cry:
I'm weary of asking! I need a reply."

Then quietly, softly, I learned of my fate
as my Master replied again, "Wait."
So I slumped in my chair, defeated and taut,
and grumbled to God, "So, I'm waiting...for what?"

He seemed then to kneel, and His eyes met with mine...
and He tenderly said, "I could give you a sign.
I could shake the heavens and darken the sun.
I could raise the dead and cause mountains to run.

I could give all you seek and pleased you would be.
You'd have what you want, but you wouldn't know Me.
You'd not know the depth of My love for each saint.
You'd not know the power that I give to the faint.

You'd not learn to see through clouds of despair;
you'd not learn to trust just by knowing I'm there.
You'd not know the joy of resting in Me
when darkness and silence are all you can see.

You'd never experience the fullness of love
when the peace of My spirit descends like a dove.
You would know that I give, and I save, for a start,
But you'd not know the depth of the beat of My heart.

The glow of My comfort late into the night,
the faith that I give when you walk without sight.
The depth that's beyond getting just what you ask
From an infinite God who makes what you have last.

You'd never know should your pain quickly flee,
what it means that My grace is sufficient for thee.
Yes, your dearest dreams overnight would come true,
but oh, the loss if I lost what I'm doing in you.

So, be silent, my child, and in time you will see
that the greatest of gifts is to truly know me.
And though oft My answers seem terribly late,
My most precious answer of all is still "Wait".


But they that wait upon the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint. Isaiah 40:31